Discover Belonging
by ThreeCloverKai
Summary: During the final battle Kagome was sealed on the wrong side of the well, in modern day Japan. At the age of 23, she has yet to decide if keeping her memories had been a gift or a curse. Now, when she has finally learned how to deal with the pain, her life hits a crossroad she can't handle. Discovering herself might be the key to discovering her destiny, the place where she belongs.


Plot bunnies are the bane of my existence. They are so deceivingly innocent, making you think that you can keep them in check. Then one day, Bam!, they start furiously bouncing around your skull forcing you to type to their beat. Really, though, I have issues with staying focused on one story line for any amount of time. I'm trying to keep tunnel vision going for The Eyes Have It, but I just had to get subjugation beads on this bunny first. I might have spontaneously combusted otherwise. Anyways, I'm not quite sure where I'm going to go with this plot. Like I said, I want to focus on The Eyes Have It, so this is always going to come second to that. Sorry.

After I post chapter 2, I will be taking suggestions on anything and everything (ideas on scenarios you would like to see, plot twists, OC's? …maybe, side pairings, etc). The only thing I'm really set on is that this will be a SessxKag fic. Anyhoo, I think this chapter might confuse you a little bit, but I think chapter 2 should clear things up and give you a general idea of what the story is going to be about.

Also, this is a really angsty chapter. I'm trying to fit 5 years worth of depression into on chapter, and I don't think I did it justice.

Let me know what you think so far. Enjoy! :]

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Discover Belonging

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Summary: During the final battle, Kagome got sealed on the wrong side of the well, in modern day Japan. At the age of 23, she still has yet to decide if retaining her memories had been a gift or a curse. Now, when she has just finally learned how to deal with the pain, her life hits a cross roads she can't handle. Discovering herself might be the key to discovering her destiny, the place where she belongs.

Sesshoumaru had always prided himself on his control. Be it over others or himself, it never wavered. Now his beast was tugging at chains that threatened to break, and he realized that he might need to relearn what it meant to truly be in control.

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Chapter 1: Dive Right In

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Kagome looked across the table at her three giggling friends. Eri was talking passionately about this new cute guy she had met when picking up her graduation robes. Ayumi and Yuka egged her on, probably just liking the entertainment brought on by love-struck Eri.

It was May, and Kagome and Eri were finally graduating from Tokyo University. Yuka and Ayumi had graduated the year prior, Yuka with a degree in business, and Ayumi with a degree in nursing. Eri had taken her first year off and joined the Peace Corp. for a year, so she was now graduating a year late with Kagome.

Kagome had decided to get her academic butt in gear and applied for a double major. It added an extra year of schooling, but she figured it would be worth it. For practical purposes, she undertook a business major. She wasn't too sure what she would do in the future, but she could always take over the shrine. She was a miko after all. Business wasn't what caught her attention, though. After her journeys in the feudal era, her passion had become Japanese History. She was particularly focused on ancient mythology. It was fascinating to read "legends" and "fables" and "myths" about the demons she had spent her teen years fighting alongside. Of course she couldn't be too sure about some of the stories, but there was one about a wolf demon whose description had fit Kouga to a "T". She read that one so many times that she had it completely memorized. The work she did for that major always made her smile.

With graduation only a few weeks away, Kagome was starting to get a little antsy. Unless she took over the shrine, where else could she go with her degree? Business, she could take that anywhere, but she knew she wouldn't be happy. She wanted to do something with her history degree.

Not to mention there was that other thing that was weighing on her mind. Or rather, the fourth finger on her left hand.

When the Shikon no Tama had been completed and purified, Kagome had pleaded to remain in the feudal era with her best friends and love. When she woke up staring at the roof of her well house, she had clawed the sandy bottom of the well until her nails were cracked and bleeding, her eyes became blinded by tears, and her screams reverberated through the shrine. For months following that day, she had been almost catatonic. Her friends tried to get through to her, but soon they each gave up, one by one. Her only constants were her family and oddly enough, Hojo. Kagome had never realized the extent of his dedication to her. He came to the shrine at least four times a week to check on her, talk to her. She never talked back, but he didn't seem to mind. Then, slowly, she began to respond to him. A yes or no answer once in a while, a one word greeting. Gradually, over the course of a year, she relearned how to smile, how to laugh, and how to be content. Well, content might still be a little strong of a word.

She was nineteen when Hojo finally asked her to be his girlfriend. She had accepted, if only to ease the pain. As the years passed, she had begun to enjoy Hojo's company. He was the epitome of perfect boyfriend. And she loved him, in her own way. Which is why at the age of twenty-two, she had agreed to marry him. They both agreed to wait until after she graduated, which at the time, had seemed like a lifetime away.

In the blink of an eye, that lifetime had dwindled to a mere two weeks. Kagome was starting to get cold feet. She wasn't even able to decide on a career path, which was flexible. How what she supposed to decide on whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life with? Her panic attacks had started up again recently.

Kagome realized she had been spacing out for some time when Yuka started poking her cheek. Apparently Eri's story was finally finished.

"Sorry. What was that?" Kagome looked down sheepishly.

"When are you going to pick a date?" Ayumi repeated.

"Oh, umm…" Kagome started to fidget. She hated when people started talking about the wedding. It made her uneasy and jittery. "We haven't really talked about it yet. With graduation going on an all, you know."

"I heard Hojo wants to be married by the end of summer. You guys are so cute together. And it's so adorable how he can't wait to make you his wife," Eri sighed dreamily.

Kagome forced her ragged breathing to even out some. By the end of summer? That was like a couple of months away!

"Well, I guess we'll just see what happens," Kagome responded rather noncommittally. It took a lot more focus to get her frantic mind to slow the speed of her thoughts. She was starting to get slightly dizzy with how fast her thoughts were racing.

"Kagome, you look a little pale. Are you feeling alright?" Eri asked.

Kagome waved her hands in front of her, "I'm fine. I'm fine. It's nothing." She hoped it was nothing, but the smarter part of her brain was recognizing the signs.

"Maybe it's the food," Yuka shrugged.

Ayumi and Eri stared down at their dinners with horror.

"Don't worry, guys. I'm just a little stressed and not sleeping well," Kagome tried to pacify. Maybe if they believed it, she could believe it.

"Well, soon you'll be blissfully married and you won't have anything to stress about," Eri said happily, tucking in to her food again now that she knew it wasn't poisonous.

That was it. Kagome stood quickly and tossed some money on the table, startling her three friends. "You know, I just forgot I have an appointment I need to get to. I'll catch up with you guys later." And she left before they could protest.

Hailing a cab outside the restaurant, Kagome stuttered the address for the shrine and sat back, taking deep breaths in an attempt ease her anxiousness. The ride was too long. By the time they arrived at the bottom of the long stairway, Kagome was on the verge of hyperventilating. She tossed some money at the driver, not caring if it was the right amount. She bolted from the cab, straight up the steps and ran flat out until she was hugging the Goshinboku. The bark bit into her skin but she could have cared less. She rested her head against the rough wood, feeling its peaceful aura lull her into a state of calm. Her breathing slowed and the tightness in her chest began to loosen. She slid to the ground and leaned her back against the trunk, wrapping her arms around her knees and letting her head fall forward.

"They're starting again, aren't they?"

Kagome looked up just as her mother moved to wrap a blanket around her shoulders. It was an oddly chilly evening for May now that the sun was starting to set. Kagome nodded her head absently before tucking her head back to her knees.

"What caused it this time?" her mother inquired in a soothing voice.

When Kagome had first been sealed off from the feudal era, she had started getting anxiety attacks frequently enough that she had to go on medication. Her mother had made her start seeing a psychiatrist twice a week. Both had helped, but neither compared to the effect the Goshinboku had on her. She could pour her heart out to it without ever having to say a word. It never tried to reason with her, or find some rational explanation for her behavior. It just accepted her as she was.

Like Inuyasha had.

When Kagome didn't respond, her mother sighed sadly and produced a special stationary and pen that Kagome kept on her desk at all times. "If you can't tell me, maybe you can tell Inuyasha?" She handed the paper and pen over in hopes that Kagome would take them.

Kagome reached out tentatively and grasped them, bringing them close to her chest.

"Thank you, Mama."

Mrs. Higurashi smiled comfortingly and stood. "I'll go make some tea. Tell Inuyasha I said hello."

Kagome nodded watched her mother disappear back into the house. She glanced down at her paper and pen. After taking a moment to set up comfortably, she started to write.

_Dear Inuyasha,_

_It's starting to happen again. I haven't had panic attacks in years. It seems the closer I get to graduation, the more frequent they are. I feel so lost without you. _

_I know I already told you this, but I'm getting married. It's starting to scare me. When I had said yes to Hojo last year, I thought I would have enough time to get used to the idea. I thought that maybe this was something that would take me from being just okay with life to actually being content, maybe even happy. The more time passed though, the more I started to realize that this might not be what I want. Definitely not right now, anyways. I don't know what to do. I can't break his heart, but I can't chain myself down for the rest of my life._

_I wish I could be as blatantly honest as you, Inuyasha. I could just flat out tell Hojo that I'm not ready for marriage, hand over his ring, and be done with it. Too bad I understand heartbreak. I can't do that to him. At the same time though, I shouldn't be railroaded into staying with him just because I don't want to hurt him. Oh, wait. I bet you don't even know what a railroad is. _

_I feel like I have no choices in my life. I know that I'm to blame for that, my year of depression making everyone think that they need to coddle me. I don't need that anymore though! I can make my own decisions, my own choices. I'm stronger now. Not strong enough apparently. _

_Not without you anyways._

_I love you, Inuyasha._

"Kagome?" Mrs. Higurashi walked up carrying a tray with a tea pot and two cups. "Your tea is ready."

Kagome brushed her cheek with the sleeve of her shirt, catching the stray tear that had escaped, before looking up at her mother. Mrs. Higurashi smiled and sat down in the grass next to her daughter and started pouring tea. She handed Kagome a cup and settled against the tree with her own.

"Feeling better?"

"I guess," Kagome sighed. Truth was, she was far from feeling better. She wasn't panicking anymore, but she still was nowhere near being okay.

"Can you talk to me about it now?"

Kagome hesitated before speaking softly, "Do you think I should marry Hojo?"

Mrs. Higurashi took a moment before responding. Personally, she loved the boy for bringing her baby back to her. But that didn't mean marrying him was the best route to take. Instead of answering, she asked a question of her own. "Do you love him?"

"Yes." There was no doubt that she did.

"But do you love him as a wife should love a husband? Do you want to start a family with him? Wake up to him every morning?" Mrs. Higurashi voiced Kagome's thoughts.

Kagome looked away and sipped her tea. "I don't know."

"If it's not a definite yes, then I would say no, you should not marry him. When you truly find the person you are meant to be with, you won't have these doubts."

"But I can't have that person."

Mrs. Higurashi frowned and gently rubbed Kagome's shoulder comfortingly. "Then maybe you should make the best of what you have. Does Hojo make you happy?"

"As much as I can be."

"And has he ever done anything to hurt you?"

Kagome shook her head.

"He isn't Inuyasha, but I know he loves you with all his heart."

"I know." Kagome took to staring into her empty teacup. Hojo genuinely and truly loved her. And that was the problem.

"Come on. It's getting dark. We should go back inside. I'm sure the boys are wondering where dinner is," Mrs. Higurashi tried to lighten the mood.

Kagome nodded absently and followed her mother in the house. Mrs. Higurashi went immediately to the kitchen, while Kagome trudged her way up to her room. She got out a clean envelope that matched her stationary and tucked her folded letter neatly inside. She dated the corner, leaving the back unsealed, before setting it down and pulling a box out from under her bed. She pulled the top off, revealing hundreds and hundreds of envelopes identical to the one sitting on her desk. She took her most recent letter and filed it in front of the others. It was routine now. She wrote to Inuyasha at least once a day, usually more than once. Some were short, others lengthy. Some were tear stained, and some were filled with her few happy memories. Even with five centuries separating them, she still drew her strength from him.

She shut the lid and slid the box back under her bed, like the proverbial box in her head that contained the key to her happiness. Mutely, she left and took a short bath before changing into pajamas and slipping between her sheets.

By the time Mrs. Higurashi came to inform her of dinner, she had already succumbed to a fitful slumber.

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As days passed and her graduation date grew nearer, Kagome had reverted terribly. She hardly spoke, hardly ate. During the first week, she had thrown herself into her exams as a way to distract herself. Her complete focus on studying made her forget to do things as mundane as sleeping or eating. And if she was on a roll, she could actually make herself believe that this was like any other semester. That there was no promise of marriage looming threateningly on the horizon.

With only a week left before her impending graduation, Kagome was a right mess. The only times she came out were to either sit by the Goshinboku or to brood in the secure walls of the well house. It wasn't uncommon to follow the sounds of her whimpers and find her curled in a ball at the bottom of the well.

The biggest problem was her fiancé. Hojo had immediately noticed the changes in her behavior, even as far back as a few months prior, but had assumed she would come to him with her problems. It was when she stopped eating and taking care of herself that he had seen it fit to step in. Mrs. Higurashi had been a little hesitant at first, but allowed him to live at the house at his insistence.

The more Kagome was around Hojo, the more distressed she got. She needed time away from him to sort out her feelings and figure out what she wanted. Having him follow her around like a shadow was infuriatingly unhelpful. Even worse, he kept trying to cheer her up with wedding talk. It was the one, sure fire way to bring on a panic attack. She even had to start taking her medication again, since having Hojo "escort" her out to the Goshinboku lessened its calming effect.

The only place he wouldn't go was the well house, and for that Kagome was grateful. The first time, he had been right behind her, about to follow her in. She had stopped, right after crossing the threshold, turned to face him, and slid the doors shut. He hadn't protested, just sat outside and waited for her to reemerge.

That was how Mrs. Higurashi had found him every day, head in his hands looking distraught as he waited for his fiancé to return to him.

"Hojo-kun," she called, breaking him from his staring contest with the dirt, "can I have a moment?"

Hojo nodded and stood, making his way over to where his future mother-in-law stood with a newly emptied laundry basket. He glanced nervously back at the well house, like leaving Kagome alone for even a second would cause her to disappear.

Mrs. Higurashi saw the look. "She's fine in the well house. No need to worry."

"But she could fall in the well or something and get hurt and we wouldn't even know," he protested.

She shook her head at the irony. Falling into the well had been the best experience of her daughter's life. Completely dangerous, but still the best.

"She won't fall in the well, because she's sitting at the bottom of it."

Hojo looked at her incredulously, slightly repulsed. "She's what? Isn't it slimy and wet at the bottom? Why on earth would she be down there?"

She waved him off. "Oh, no. The well has been dry for centuries. It's just a bunch of sand at the bottom." Her eyes grew somber and she moved towards the stairs at the front of the house and sat. "Do you know what caused Kagome's depression five years ago?" she asked, patting the space next to her.

Hojo sat down and resumed the same position he had been in earlier. "She has never confided in me."

Mrs. Higurashi hummed quietly. "Well, I guess it's not really my place to tell you then. I can give you a few details, but if she doesn't want to tell you, don't push her. She's had a difficult past."

Hojo nodded. "It has something to do with the well." A statement, not a question.

"Yes. Tell me, do you remember a gruff young man with white hair who used to hang around Kagome back in high school?"

"I had never met him before, but I heard from Eri, Ayumi, and Yuka that he was her boyfriend. Her abusive, cheating boyfriend," he practically spat the last parts out.

His future mother-in-law sighed. "His name was Inuyasha, and he was nothing like that. Well, maybe a little. His first love had a tendency to show up unannounced, you see. But he was a good man. He sincerely loved my daughter, and she loved him. They had gone through so much together, that they had an unbreakable bond. A bond so strong that even with the passage of time separating them, she still draws her power from him. She goes to the places that are meaningful to both of them, the Goshinboku and the well. They help to calm her down and she goes to seek his advice when she's having issues."

Hojo seemed to be making connections in his head. "Five years ago… Did he die?" he asked hesitantly.

She nodded. "You could say that. He was the most important person in the world to her, and she lost him. I want you to know that while she still loves Inuyasha, she loves you too. I'm just not sure if it's the love you deserve." He opened his mouth to protest but she continued. "You've done so much for her. I worry that she feels obligated to see to your happiness. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I know she will not say anything that will risk breaking your heart."

Hojo's eyes showed his confliction. It was too much to take in all at once. There was a pain in his chest, and it had gotten worse with every word Mrs. Higurashi had spoken. Kagome had been in love with Inuyasha, but was she still? Had she maybe, possibly moved on to him? He hoped so. But if what she said was true, then most likely, Kagome was only with him because she felt she had to be, like returning a favor. He wanted his Kagome to love him, truly love him, and marry him because she absolutely, one hundred percent _wanted_ to.

He didn't know what to do. It wasn't like he could compete for her affection in a fair fight. Well, a fair romance battle anyways. He was up against a ghost. A figment of her past that was brought to life so distinctly it was almost tangible.

His head dropped as his heart broke. "It hurts… knowing that she's in love with someone else, even after all this time has passed." His words were muffled by his hands. "I will speak with her after her graduation and maybe call off the wedding if that is what she wishes. I want her to marry me because it is something she wants, not because she sees it as her duty to make me happy or because she feels she will never find love again."

"Thank you. You are a good man, Hojo-kun. I just want you both to be truly happy. Not content, but happy. And I know that you two have a lot to talk over before you can reach it."

"As much as it hurt, thank you for telling me. I will talk with her and hopefully we can get everything out in the open."

Mrs. Higurashi smiled sadly. "If she's ready to marry you, she should be ready to tell you of her past. If not, she might not be ready, even if she tries to convince you otherwise."

"I'll keep that in mind. I'm going to go to the nearby park and wander in my thoughts. Will you watch after her while I'm gone?"

"She will be fine. Will you continue to stay with us, or do you need your space to think?"

Hojo stood, his focus on the well house. "I will stay. I am still concerned about her health."

Mrs. Higurashi nodded and watched as the sad young man shuffled down the shrine steps looking uncomfortably alone.

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There were still a few hours before Kagome had to be at the campus for her graduation ceremony. Eri would be at the shrine soon so that they could take pictures together in their hats and gowns. Luckily, since Kagome and Eri were both Liberal Arts majors, they would be in the same ceremony. Tagging along with Eri would be Aumi and Yuka. They refused to be left out of the "fun" as they called it.

Kagome was thinking it was quite the opposite. Every time she caught even a glimpse of her gown, her stomach threatened to retch. While Kagome had gotten slightly better, certain things still affected her a lot. Hojo made her eat three full meals a day, whether she wished it or not, and made her lie in bed for a full eight hours every night even if she couldn't sleep. Her panic attacks were frequent again, though not as bad as they could have been. She was back on her anxiety medication.

And something was up with Hojo. The last few days, she kept catching him staring at her weird. Well, when she was paying attention enough to notice, which was actually happening more often. Mostly she had been completely out of it, nestled in some dark space of her mind that kept repeating the same question.

Should she marry Hojo?

Her brain hurt. The question was taunting her, teasing her sanity. She had taken the week off after exams to come to terms with what she was going to do. Sitting at the bottom of the well, she had talked to the earth like her friends could hear her on the other side. She asked them questions and then sat in the dark, trying to find answers in the silence that followed. It had taken a while, but she had come to a decision. Her resolve was still weak, but she believed she could do it. She could sacrifice her life for Hojo's happiness. She would marry him.

She was broken from her thoughts when her mother walked through her bedroom door carrying her perfectly folded gown and cap. Her breath hitched and her stomach clenched.

"Kagome you look so beautiful, and so grown up!" her mother squealed. "Let's get your robes on. Eri should be here soon."

Kagome nodded, not saying a word, her frown fixed in place even in the presence of her mother's proud smile. Her expression stayed much the same as her mother covered up her mock two piece dress with the large square shaped gown and pinned the cap to her hair to keep it in place.

"Now, go put on your shoes and you'll be ready." Mrs. Higurashi ushered her over to her bed where a worn out pair of pump heels sat. It was the only pair of dressy heels she owned, and she had worn them to every special occasion.

Kagome mutely did as she was told before following her mother down the stairs and into the living room.

Hojo was momentarily speechless. An awed look spread across his features as he gazed at his fiancé. She looked stunning. She had done her hair and her make-up. And, oh, those shoes. He knew how good those shoes made her legs look, even if he couldn't see the effect right at the moment. How was he supposed to give up this amazing woman?

Kagome looked up from the ground and made eye contact with her fiancé. Her lips tried to tug into some semblance of a smile, but ultimately failed. It was when she looked just a little ways passed him and caught her reflection in the window pane for the first time that her face paled and her breathing quickened. It hit her then.

This was real. And it was now.

She might have been okay, she might have gotten herself under control had Hojo not taken that moment to say one comment completely nonchalantly.

"If I think you look gorgeous in that bulky graduation robe, I can't wait to see how beautiful you look walking towards me in a wedding dress."

Kagome gasped, her eyes whipping to stare at his. She had come to terms with the idea of marrying him, but her insecurities showed in that moment. His eyes had betrayed what he was saying, though. The second she looked into them, she could tell.

He knew.

He knew that she was having doubts. Her reaction to his proclamation just now had only confirmed it for him. She could see the way his heart was breaking right in front of her, as a sad smile crept it's way onto his face.

And that was when she lost it. It wasn't just breaking Hojo's heart that hurt, it was ruining all of the dreams he had of their future together. Her future and his future were supposed to be one, and she had just completely shattered it. Destroyed his life, his plans, his happiness. She knew what it felt like to be lost, just as he looked now. She had been stuck in that state for far too long. It was painful. And she had just inflicted that same amount of pain, compounded with heart break, onto this poor soul whose only crime had been to love her.

She was a terrible person.

Hojo's eyes widened as he watched his fiancé take one, then two steps away from him, and then bolt out the front door. He moved to follow her, but Mrs. Higurashi caught his sleeve.

"Let her go."

Hojo gave a frustrated growl and tore his arm away. "I can't not go after her!" he yelled. Then he too, was out the front door and tearing across the shrine to where he knew she would be.

Kagome shredded off her gown and yanked her cap off, pulling out chunks of hair when the pins wouldn't budge. She couldn't think, couldn't breathe. She was running from her problems, but that didn't even register to her.

She just had to get away.

And there was a sure fire way to do that.

Back in the darker stages of her depression, her grandfather and mother had covered the top of the well and padlocked it shut. They had later taken the cover off, but it had been a necessity at the time. They had done it after Souta had found her perched precariously on the side, ready to dive in head first. It made perfect sense to her. Either the well would let her through, and she could be with her friends and most of all Inuyasha, or it could not, in which case she would be with them in the after life. It didn't matter, if the end result was getting to see them. Souta had of course tackled her to the ground, breaking his arm in the process. Seeing him cause himself physical pain in order to get her to stay made her never try it again.

Until now. It seemed like a pretty decent idea at the moment. Maybe just one more time, she should try it. She could get away and never have to come back. Yeah, just one more time.

She clambered to stand on shaky legs, balancing on the edge in her too high heels that she hadn't even bothered to remove.

Hojo burst through the door just in time to see the love of his life do a perfect swan dive into what he knew was a dry well.

Kagome heard Hojo scream her name, before everything went black.

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